I've got irritable bowel syndrome

Every poo is funny. I get poo-paste, poo-mucus, poo-pellets. Poo Poo Poo.

In fact I just got back from the hospital, where a lovely receptionist lady told me she liked my t-shirt (Maroon Furtive). I have just spent 40 minutes telling my doctor about my poo. In the most horrendous detail. I've had all kinds of fingers up my bum.

I once had to have a camera up my bum. They call it a flexible sigmoidoscopy. A foot and a half of cable laid in my bum. Then I had to travel for 9 hours on a coach. I could still feel it there for days afterwards.

And yet in all of this, I have never shat meself or squirted poo across the room or slipped in poo and banged my head really hard. I feel a little bit cheated by that really.